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Sunday, September 4, 2011

Paris, France 2011 Sketchbook

A cheesy but very sincere definition that I wrote in my sketchbook after I finally became acquainted with the culture:

In Paris, I am someone. Although I don't announce myself, although I don't advertise; my presence is still acknowledged. Be it a comment [towards] my appearance or a compliment [towards] my craft; I am, [in] every single day, noticed in some way or another. I am appreciated. What I do is not considered a gamble, but rather a well-respected profession. Why have I not known this long before? And now that I'm finally here, why oh why would I ever want to leave?

Written on my last night in France:

Dear Paris,

People have always told me that visiting you would be a life-changing experience. I wonder now though, if these people meant this as a positive or a negative reaction. I've learned and saw so much of your history. I've struggled, and yet also fell in love, with your culture. How could I possibly go back to my responsibilities when your bread and cheese tempt me so much? And how could I possibly continue to do my art when you've shown me what I have to compete with? I feel so insignificant now. I feel so useless.

Paris, one of these days, I will come back to visit you again. And when I do, I hope that you can take me under your wing and transform me enough to be worthy of the title 'Artist.'

I will come back. I promise.

Sincerely,

Jeannie Lou F. Estonactoc

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Mistake

I realize my mistake now, and I really wish I'd realized it before everything that I've done accumulated into such a failure. For this semester, I made the terrible mistake of actually letting so many voices affect the way I approached my work. I thought too hard of what I should be doing, instead of just doing what I wanted to do. Even though I already knew that I was not happy with what I was doing, I kept going anyway; and this lack of confidence in myself resulted in such terrible artwork.

At least I leave this semester with a much needed lesson, and a broader perspective on how this practice works. As long as I do what I think is right for me, instead of doing what I think would satisfy someone else, I will be more successful. I'm going to need the support of my family and friends to be able to hang on to my dwindling confidence (or what's still left of it). For this summer, I'm going to concentrate on me and no one else. I will be my own judge and my own influence. Once I'm able to make this part of me more concrete, then and only then will I allow other voices to penetrate me.